i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
