hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
