ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
