I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
