For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I smell like Dick and happiness
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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