why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
