Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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