I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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