I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
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I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize