upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
