I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
