Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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