In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
