Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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