I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
