Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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