I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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