people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
