i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Boobs are out for the taking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
