I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
