My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
