You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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he was CRYING into my vagina
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today