I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.