I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
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I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
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In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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