My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
