then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
