I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
