I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
