So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
