The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
