At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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