I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I didn't notice because vodka
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
