Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
