My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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