how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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