I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm always down for nudity.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
