the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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