mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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