my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
