sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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