Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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