Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
