I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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