Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
