I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
