Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
