So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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