I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
