if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
