so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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