Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
