Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
