that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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