im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Your shirt... Was in my pants
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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