WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
