Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
