it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
