Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
