Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
